truth is from

[girlfalls]

but if thats where
the truth is from
then why am i
picking blood from in between my teeth
and brains from in between my ears
and why hasnt anyone
figured out that its this place that kills 'em
or maybe they have
but dying sorta makes you stick
and why doesnt anyone want to believe
i would be happier in a mental institution
and that yes
i would be running around also
cause no one who looks quite like me
would be as crazy as to want to die
so thats not an issue we need to deal with
she says 'lets skirt the topic'
and i say 'why dont we full out dress it?'
but i cover that up with a goofy/sick grin
and reassure her
im not crazy,
just cold
i dont feel like im never gunna fit in,
i just want a heater
i dont cut myself,
just my hair
and yes it all boils down to my parents,
lets talk about them some more
and i leave feeling quite reasured,
that i am already over the deep end
but my acting skills are getting better
and better



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^girl who fell^

[Generalkaos]

This is good. There are a lot of access points for me, and I feel like you keep me there the whole time. I did sort of feel that you were skirting images rather than letting them walk on their own and inform the emotion, but that could be your intent. I thought your first piece was merely okay, but this one actually made me feel. The only thing I would really suggest is going through and cutting out every word that doesn't necessarily be in there. I would also strengthen the lines that tend toward cliche. That's something I don't think you need because you have a fresh enough voice that you don't need to rely on things that have been said the same way for years and years. Also, in future, you might want to be careful of tense. If you're writing the whole thing from one temporal standpoint, you want to keep that consistent even when the poem shifts between time-periods. Also for future pieces: gerunds often kill momentum. "Would run" is more active than "would be running." That's all, I guess.

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Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.

[sarafinamable]

i thought that this was very good, i wanted to read it over and over b/c i kept having the feeling like there was something that i missed each time. nothing bad, i really like this b/c it kept me interested with each line.

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"this is life not heaven, you don't have to be perfect."
Gia
"Our love was comfortable and so broken in"
John Mayer
http://www.onemoredrink.moonfruit.com
First Name Basis is a great, little known band (so far), check out their website

[girlfalls]

what specifically do you think i could cut out, just a question, thanks so much fro responding, i appreiciate it so, much and im sorry i have been reading but not had to much time for resopnces, but i will i promise

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^girl who fell^

[Generalkaos]

Words like "that" "and" and "but" can usually be done away with. Nothing major.

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Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.

[thrutheeyesofme]

i agree with general. I often found that i over-used 'that', 'but' 'when' etc. in my poems to an annoying extent. you haven't done this but because i'm conscious of it myself i notice it more in other people's work. That said, i felt it was accurate enough to provoke a real personal response. engaging. good work!

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